New protein, new dress, & going bald.

I found a unicorn–seriously, I had no idea that high protein pasta exists! But it does. And it tastes great. For all the whey isolate protein packed in there, it has absolutely no weird protein powder after taste. The texture is completely normal as well, not gummy or too soft. They recommend cooking it for 30 minutes, which seems insane, but it worked out great for us. Ultra yummy, satisfying, and filling. I swear this company is not paying me to say this, haha! You can find their stuff (and a pretty decent Low Carb Cookbook) on the Iso website. Had some tonight, with a garlic and basil meat sauce I made. So good the pups were searching for scraps!

I had a really great weekend. Got to celebrate my fiance’s graduation from his master’s program on Saturday and we hung with our families all weekend. On Sunday when they left, J and I did a 3 mile run together. Then we went to Costco and bought $100 worth of protein shakes. I like Premier Protein’s new banana cream flavor just for something different. Most fun of all was wearing my new (size 16) spring dress! Even though the pounds are coming off much, much slower than before and much, much slower than I’d like, I still feel amazed by the physical changes I continue to see. I just look so different. J and I always tease each other and joke around–the other day he picked me up! Like, OMG, I feel like that is a huge thing for overweight girls. I can wear his shirts and he’ll be able to pick me up in my wedding dress–those things that I never thought would be possible for me when I was at my heaviest.

I got blood work done this morning for my 6 month post-op visit next week. Wow–six months have flown by. I’m curious to see if my cholesterol has dropped down some more and if my vitamin levels are still holding at solid levels. I’m also anxious to talk to both my surgeon and my nutritionist about what I can do to stop or slow down my hair loss. I am still losing handfuls (yes, multiple) every single day. Thank goodness I had really thick hair, but I am getting more worried since it is continuing. I notice just how much volume I’ve lost already and the couple of areas where it’s really thinned out too much. Anyone experience this? How long did it last? Did anything help it slow down? (I’m taking extra biotin in additional to all my other vitamins.)

I owe my 6 month stats next week, so I’ll post them after my appointment! Hope you’re all doing great and getting lots of protein and water in!

The final countdown (Day 13).

At this time tomorrow I will be in recovery from surgery! Can’t believe I’m less than 24 hours away from this huge milestone.

Yesterday I switched to all liquid only, no more soup. You can see last night’s dinner of chicken broth below. I’m doing about 500-600 calories a day right now and at certain times it feels like a challenge to get that much down. I’ve lost 11.2 pounds as of this morning and I am taking my “before” photos and measurements today (you’ll see those in maybe a year or so…).

I’m off work today to try to organized around the house, pack a bag, and run any last minute errands. Here is my command station.

Yep, those are shots. And yep, that’s a lot of freaking bottles of pills! I’ll give myself a shot in the belly everyday for 14 days, it’s a blood thinner to prevent clots after surgery. I also have liquid pain medication, an anti-nausea pill, an anti-reflux pill, and anti-gallstone medicine. Two days after I come home I’ll also start vitamins–a multi, B50 complex, B12, and calcium citrate.

It feels like a lot to keep track of at this moment, so I have a little notebook to track the ounces of liquid I get throughout the day and when I take my various pills. It feels like it’s going to be a job to get all this stuff down.

For the first 14 days I will be on clear liquids, trying to get 4-6 oz of liquid per hour while I’m awake.

I’m feeling ready and a little anxious. We leave at 5a tomorrow for the hospital. Surgery is about 90 minutes, recovery 60-90, then I’ll be posted up in a room for a couple of days. The whole day after the surgery is no liquids, no ice chips, nothing. I have my chapstick packed to avoid horribly dry lips and mouth hopefully. The next morning I’ll have an x-ray and they’ll make sure there are no leaks in my tiny new stomach. If I’m cleared, I’ll go to clear liquids and sip really, really slowly.

So that’s my plan for the next few days. I’ll try to post as I’m able and let you know how things are going. It’s going to be a little odd spending at least part of my Thanksgiving in the hospital and not traveling to see my family, but this is probably the most thankful I’ve ever been. (I already told my fiancee that we can have a make up turkey day in the spring!)

Over the hump (Day 10).

I planned to post a few days ago, but got side tracked by a nasty stomach bug. Monday night (day 7) I started to feel really ill. My stomach just churned. To spare you the TMI, I’ll just say that I spent a majority of Monday night and Tuesday in the bathroom. Because of my restricted diet I was seriously concerned about how dehydrated I was becoming, especially because I wasn’t able to keep anything–even water–down after 7p Monday. I talked to my nutritionist and nurse practitioner and they encouraged me to get some diet ginger ale and plain greek yogurt to help settle my stomach and get some probiotics in there. They both thought that although it was crappy timing, my symptoms did not seem to indicate a reaction to my liquid diet. There was a point where if I didn’t start to feel better, my next step per the doctor was to go immediately to the ER. Fortunately they were right and after about 24 hours of misery I was able to get 4 oz of ginger ale and some yogurt down. Small victories, people.

I’m feeling way better. I’m kind of struggling to drink all that I’m supposed to, but I’m just not hungry and definitely not hungry for what I’m allowed to have. Just a few more days left though, and the last week and a half have flown by. I’ve lost a total of 10.1 pounds after 3 days of not budging while I was sick.

I visited one of my best friends last night and we were talking about all my surgery stuff. We were reflecting back on what a long road this has been (she was one of the first people I told that I was doing this), starting about 10 months ago. She admitted to me that right after I told her about it she was asking herself what made me want to do. She said she always perceived me as being confident and positive, so she wondered what my struggle actually was like since I didn’t seem to outwardly show it.

I was kind of surprised by what she said, but now I totally understand what she was saying. I never really openly talked about my issues related to my weight and the insecurity that goes along with it. I told her my mantra of “fake it ’til you make it,” which has worked well from me in life and at work. Confidence wins. If you don’t have it, but pretend long enough that you do it will appear that you do. That reinforcement then can make you feel a little more confident and it will continue to build slowly. At least that’s the tactic that has worked for me for most of my life, along with taking the role of the funny, fat friend in some of my circles. Don’t yell at me for saying that. I know there’s a lot more to me than that, but it’s an easy way to describe a role that seems to be acceptable in society if you are overweight.

We talked for a few hours last night and it reminded me how fortunate I am to have such an amazingly support group of friends and family. They force me to think about my motivations, recognize my accomplishments (regardless of how small they may be), and they encourage me to talk about the things that have been hardest for me to talk about. This blog is helping me so much too. So that means you, lovely reader, are helping me and I thank you for that.

Next time I’ll show you the ridiculous amount of meds and vitamins I have stacked on my table right now and what last minute things I’m doing before the big day.

Day 4 Update.

I’m still alive and I haven’t murdered anyone. Day 2 and 3 were definitely the toughest so far. My stomach got really upset and I was really hungry for a while. Now I’m struggling to get all of my protein down that I’m supposed to. One, I’m sick of them. Two, every time I eat anything (even if it’s just a popsicle) my stomach feels and sounds like it is doing flips inside my abdomen. Woof. Best thing has been trying to distract myself and come up with stuff to do after work. Yesterday I walked the dogs to the metro to meet my fiance after work and today I took them to the park for a while.

Yesterday I also had my last pre-op appointment with my surgeon and nutritionist. I signed away my life several times on an 18 page consent form. The form also alphabetically listed all possible complications from the surgery, ranging from hernia and suture leaking to reflux and death. (Again, thanks for the reminder.) Prominent throughout the document was agreement that this is ELECTIVE surgery. That reminded me of my first post–it was a decision, not something forced on me. Even though I’m complaining about my liquid diet, I’m getting excited to finally be at this point–so close to my surgery date!

At my appointment yesterday, my nutritionist gave me a truckload of vitamins (I say give, but they were $120) and went over the plan for the first 21 days after surgery. I bet you can guess–more liquids! Then Dr. P came in to do a quick exam and quiz me on the procedure. I appreciate that they make a really great effort to make sure you understand what is going to happen during surgery. He said the surgery will take about 90 minutes, then I’ll be in recovery for 60-90 minutes while I come out of anesthesia. Then I’ll be transported to my room and they’ll drag me out of bed right away to walk. No eating or drinking for the first day after surgery. On the second day he’ll do an x-ray to make sure that the sutures on my new tubular stomach are secure and there are no leaks. Once that comes up clear, I’ll be on clear liquids plus broth. When I get home, it’s back to shakes.

On another positive note, I’m down 6.8 pounds as of first thing this morning. We have a family party tomorrow that’s pretty much solely focused on eating and drinking, so that’s gonna be a challenge. “Yummy, yummy, non-boring protein shake” I will tell myself. Thanks for your good vibes!

Day 2 with nothing to chew.

I’m most of the way through my second day on the liquid diet. Having lunch at a restaurant with a colleague while away on travel felt awkward with my shaker bottle, but I’m home now and pretty much in hiding. I actually felt fine yesterday with the exception of a mild headache, which was my fault for not drinking enough water. Today I’m definitely getting hangry. And I really miss chewing. I just want something to crunch. I’m doing a better job with water intake today and trying to stay positive. I bet it’s good practice for post surgery. Over the last couple of hours my headache has gotten worse and my stomach is fairly upset. I’m hoping that before the weekend is over I’ll be through with the sugar detox part and I won’t feel so yucky.

Went to the grocery store today to get a couple of bananas, so I’m looking forward to that for dessert.

I’ve also bought some stuff to help with post surgery food and planning. Bought a great food processor, a ton of small plastic containers, 2 water bottles, and flexible non-stick ice cube trays that I can freeze food in.

I also got a nifty shaker bottle that has extra twist-off sections to store vitamins or protein powder. Worked out great when I was on the road.

Til next time!

Last meal.

Tomorrow starts my 14 day liquid diet. I’m currently on work travel so here’s what I chose.

Ahhhh, Chipotle. I couldn’t even finish it, but as you can see I’m ready for tomorrow with my water to mix protein shakes.

Food.

This is what 2 weeks worth of liquid diet looks like. On the plus side, my grocery bill was $45 (not including the protein powder and bars of course) and will be even less for a while after surgery.

Enjoyed a great dinner at our favorite French restaurant tonight. Just a few more days to squeeze my favorite foods in!

Liquids. All day every day.

In 5 days, 2 hours, and 18 minutes my 14 day required pre-op diet starts. My days are going to look like this:

Breakfast, Protein Shake
Snack, Protein Shake
Lunch, Protein Bar
Snack, Protein Shake
Dinner, Progresso Light soup (recipes under 80 calories only)
Snack, Protein Shake

As you can see, a little on the monotonous and no-chewing side. Woof. Right now I’m feeling like this is going to be rough for a few days until my body detoxes from the sugar. The point of this diet is to reduce fat on and around the liver and to set your body up for recovery with tons of protein and minerals. (The shakes and bars I have are prescription-strength specifically designed for bariatric patients.) I know in the long run this will help me prep for what my immediate post-surgery diet will be like. The immediate loss of 10-20 pounds will significantly reduce the pressure on my lungs during surgery as well.

Each day I also need to drink 64 oz of clear, calorie-free liquids. I can have one banana or one cup of skim milk per day. Plus I can have up to 3 sugar-free jell-o cups or sugar-free popsicles so I don’t murder anyone while hungry. I’m traveling for work starting Friday and I don’t get back until Tuesday night–the day I have to start the liquid diet. So protein powder will be packed in my suitcase and I’ll enjoy my “last meal” on the road somewhere. I’m fortunate that I have a job where I can work from home when I need to, so I think I’ll be working from my couch until the grumpiness dissipates.

I have my last pre-op visit with my surgeon and nutritionist two days after I start liquids. They’ll be reviewing my latest lab work to give me the correct pallet of vitamins. I’ll keep you posted on that.

Fiance and friends are being great and supportive when I have moments of fear and panic about surgery and the impending life changes. For example, when the surgical nurse called me for my pre-op interview and she asked me if I had a will. Right, it’s surgery, there’s always a chance of dying–thanks for the reminder.

On a positive note, I did the first sweep of my closet for clothes that I will never be able to wear again! Goodbye to my trusty summer wardrobe, partially pictured below. It’s kind of surreal this is finally happening–8 loooooooooong months after I started the process of getting insurance approval.

Reality check. This is happening.

This morning I attended my required 2 hour nutrition class, along with 3 other women who have surgery scheduled in the next 30 days. My excitement about surgery is now clouded by some serious anxiety. There are a lot of rules. Breaking them may cause pain and/or complications that endanger my health. My life is going to be different. Like A LOT different. For example, I should expect it take me 1 hour to drink 1 cup of water. My new portion size will be 4 tablespoons (and that’s not until 3 weeks post-op). I can’t drink wine for a year, and after that I’ll be drinking a lot less than I do now. It’s not like I didn’t know this before today, but it became real when it was all handed to me as a really thick binder that dictates what my future behavior should be. If I was good at being disciplined, would I even be in this situation? How will I be successful when it matters most?

I guess I realized that the fundamental thing that’s changing is my relationship with food–and all the activities that are associated with food for me in my current life. We love trying new restaurants. I love visiting vineyards and breweries with friends. I bake treats for my staff. Holidays with my family are essentially an opportunity to eat until you feel sick, then stay in sweatpants for as long as possible. What will I do for team happy hours now? How will I answer people’s innocent questions about why I’m not eating or why I won’t try something? What healthy, non-food focused activities will I take on to fill that time and will my friends want to participate? Will I lose my love of cooking and baking? Will I be able to manage cooking for others when I won’t be able to have any of what I’m making?

These are just a few things that I’m thinking about right now. The other thing we learned about today is that many patients feel “buyer’s remorse” and “significant loss” immediately after surgery. I’m glad to know this now because I know that there will be a time when I miss my old, less healthy life and will wonder if it was worth it or if I made the right decision. I’m writing this down as a reminder to myself that it is worth and it is the right decision and that everything will be okay.

Next time: the pre-op 14 day liquid diet and I’m freaking out about how grouchy I’m going to get.