Reality check. This is happening.

This morning I attended my required 2 hour nutrition class, along with 3 other women who have surgery scheduled in the next 30 days. My excitement about surgery is now clouded by some serious anxiety. There are a lot of rules. Breaking them may cause pain and/or complications that endanger my health. My life is going to be different. Like A LOT different. For example, I should expect it take me 1 hour to drink 1 cup of water. My new portion size will be 4 tablespoons (and that’s not until 3 weeks post-op). I can’t drink wine for a year, and after that I’ll be drinking a lot less than I do now. It’s not like I didn’t know this before today, but it became real when it was all handed to me as a really thick binder that dictates what my future behavior should be. If I was good at being disciplined, would I even be in this situation? How will I be successful when it matters most?

I guess I realized that the fundamental thing that’s changing is my relationship with food–and all the activities that are associated with food for me in my current life. We love trying new restaurants. I love visiting vineyards and breweries with friends. I bake treats for my staff. Holidays with my family are essentially an opportunity to eat until you feel sick, then stay in sweatpants for as long as possible. What will I do for team happy hours now? How will I answer people’s innocent questions about why I’m not eating or why I won’t try something? What healthy, non-food focused activities will I take on to fill that time and will my friends want to participate? Will I lose my love of cooking and baking? Will I be able to manage cooking for others when I won’t be able to have any of what I’m making?

These are just a few things that I’m thinking about right now. The other thing we learned about today is that many patients feel “buyer’s remorse” and “significant loss” immediately after surgery. I’m glad to know this now because I know that there will be a time when I miss my old, less healthy life and will wonder if it was worth it or if I made the right decision. I’m writing this down as a reminder to myself that it is worth and it is the right decision and that everything will be okay.

Next time: the pre-op 14 day liquid diet and I’m freaking out about how grouchy I’m going to get.

I made a decision.

Hey there. Thanks for swinging by to read my first post. I created this blog to document some major changes coming to my life. These changes are a result of a big decision to take control over my life and my health. I have a feeling that this whole blog will end up being about decisions and sticking to them as I move forward.

It’s kind of weird to me to be focused so intently on this one decision. I’m not a person who has trouble making decisions. Yeah, what I’m saying is that I’ve been called bossy before and I don’t care. I typically know what I want, that’s all. Losing weight is a decision I have made many, many times over my whole life. It’s also been one of the few decisions I’ve made that I have not been able to execute successfully–and not for lack of trying. I’ll talk more about my history with dieting and weight loss later. (I will also touch on some of the new research about obesity that my surgeon has shared with me that explains why it’s so difficult to lose weight and how genetics play a major role. This is not an excuse, I just find it interesting–and helpful for adjusting my own mindset about obesity.)

So, the decision: pursue medical assistance in achieving my weight loss goal and improving my health. Why? I’m a young, generally day-to-day healthy person who doesn’t want to live my life trapped under an extra 150 pounds anymore and I need help. Everything else in my life is wonderful. I have an incredible fiance and 2 adorable pups. I have a great job and live in a fun city. I have a supportive family and amazing friends who would do anything for me at the drop of a hat. But I’m 28; morbidly obese; and I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fatty liver, and plantar fasciitis in both feet (comorbidities in medical-speak). I have to do something.

It is my sincere hope that these posts help someone, anyone who has experienced some of the struggles that I have. I welcome you to share your story and your feedback in the comments. Watch for more posts over the coming weeks as I’m currently ONE MONTH from my surgery date!!!! I’m a little excited. Stay tuned and stay positive.